To be caught in a relationship with a person who has zero empathy, gaslights, controls, isolates and degrades you, gives you the silent treatment, and projects all their toxicity onto you, claiming you are who they are, is one of the most traumatic things a person can experience with someone they thought loved them.

The initial bonding feels like a fairytale or a dream come true, but it is what comes after, the ‘feeding’ off of you, and the drama they cause which throws you into confusion. Why is this happening out of the blue, when things were so good? You start to blame yourself, because they tell you that you are wrong, you don’t see it, but they must be right, and you want peace, you want things to go back to the way they were, the way they say you ruined by doing whatever it is they have decided you did wrong that you must fix. You believe if only you can make things good again you will be able to bring your relationship back to that space. But you can’t. Because as soon as you fix that issue, there is another one, and another one, and another one…

That incredible closeness of the honeymoon phase was only ever going to be temporary, a trap. And it will never come back. Once one is caught in the world of a narcissist, don’t think you can outsmart them, or outmaneouvre them, or manage them. You can’t. They have no moral standards, they are not consistent. They are empty and vindictive, and seek only to cause strife, drama, and anguish in their endless pursuit to fill a void within them they can never fill. The only thing you can do is recognise them before they begin their seduction campaign and run.

If you did not see it in time, you will not realise what they are until your deepest survival instincts flare up and you realise you are sleeping with your enemy. It just comes. A moment of clarity in the smoke and mirrors of their world. But when you do, you will be very broken and very much under their control. That moment becomes both the best and worst moment of your life. It marks the beginning of a very long, slow, painful climb out of hell.

Who They Are

Successful, often good looking or charismatic and charming. Entitled (although this can be covert at first) and arrogant, never wrong even when they are wrong. In the case of men, they are misogynists (which tends to be covert, but creeps out with comments and judgements about ‘fat women’, ‘ugly women’, ‘stupid women’ and later in their vicious treatment of you.)

You feel uncomfortable standing up for yourself because it only makes things worse, since they cannot be wrong. Instead they blame you for causing difficulties and then turn themselves into the victim, causing so much stress the only way to make the misery end is to let them think they are right. They tend to be moody, sulky, and tempermental behind closed doors, but an entirely other person in public, well-liked and popular, the one they seduced you with. They can switch personas in a heartbeat. They talk down to service workers, or anyone they see as beneath them.

How it Happens

First, they work very hard to catch you. They are unstoppable. They want to know everything about you. They wine and dine you. They contact you relentlessly. You feel like the center of their universe. THIS IS A TRAP! They are grooming you to become their next source of supply. They do not ask about your past and your pain because they care, they ask because they are gathering information about your weaknesses so they can later use them to exploit, control and ultimately destroy you.

Gradually, they strip you of everything that made you who you were and only 'allow' you to do or participate in the things they control. They say things like 'I will take care of you. I love you. Stay home and let me pay for everything.' They cut you off from your friends and family, and plant deep seeds of doubt about the people you care about. They move you to a location where you are isolated from support. They control the finances. You have to ask permission to buy clothes, etc, and they come with you and control everything. If you are lucky, you get an allowance but then have to explain what you spent it on so it's easier just to give the money back in the hopes of being treated better. You won’t be.

Your world collapses into a tiny single point. You learn what is allowed and not allowed and begin to create complex rules and rituals to follow in an attempt to control the uncontrollable in the hope you won't make any mistakes because when they are angry it's scary as hell and it's always your fault. You ruminate constantly over the things they have said and feel confusion over the continual misdirection, denial of what’s real, contradictory rules, constant criticism, and occasional opposing praise. You try to stay ahead of the attacks but you can't, everything has the potential to infuriate them. YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. Even if you do something kind and thoughtful you will be berated for it. You will live in constant mental and emotional anguish. If you are really unlucky they will also physically assault you and rape you. They are never sorry.

You think about your escape. You have no money, no support, and don't even know how to begin to save yourself. You make an appointment at the doctor because you have been hurt again. The doctor calls social services. Instead of making things better, it gets worse. They want to move you into a shelter but you must leave everything behind, pets included, and hide in another city. You can't leave your animals. You fear for their lives. So you stay and stay and stay hoping you can fix it while your life ebbs away.

They sicken of you. They turn even more vicious. They call you awful names. They tell you they wish you were dead so they could be happy again. They criticize you constantly. You are told you are worthless, you are shit, that no one will ever love you. They hate your face, your body, your voice, the comfort you get from your pets, your tears, your silence, your withdrawal, your bleakness. They openly look at and flirt with other women in front of you. They tell you to be silent, to cease to exist. They refuse to do anything to help in the house like cut the grass or hang lamps. You can say nothing. The punishments are severe. Silence. Financial restrictions. No money to buy food for the pets, etc. You endure. Your world shrinks. You look online in secret to understand what is happening to you. It's too much. You are numb. You want to die. You hope you die.

They begin to pursue someone younger, prettier, healthier than you. They don't even try to hide it. They sneer at you when you try to look pretty. They ignore you in public. They refuse to follow through on plans. They don't even lift their feet when you are cleaning the floor so you have to clean around them. They loathe you. You want to leave but they won't let you. As soon as you talk about going to the women's shelter, they say, 'Yes go to the fat feminist cunt house and cry about how badly you were treated, go be a failure. I will make sure you get nothing if you go tell lies about me.' You crumble. What little shred of hope you have is decimated. You know they have total control of you. You want to fight back but every time you try you are obliterated. Powerless rules your existence.

They leave you for their next conquest. You are discarded. You are garbage. You are so trauma bonded you miss your abuser and want them back. You are left to survive the aftermath of your annihilation and find yourself again, alone, lost, devalued, and very, very broken. You learn they are telling everyone terrible lies about you, a brutal smear campaign. Eventually you realise the narrative they are telling is yours. They not only took everything you had from you and left you a shell, they now tell people that what they did to you, you did to them. Even if you have recordings, emails, texts to prove otherwise, no one cares, the narcissist is convincing in their role of victim. You retreat further into yourself. Even the truth of your suffering has been stolen from you.

The divorce and division of assets comes. They hide their assets, they tell you lies. They threaten you with financial destitution if you don't do everything they want their way. You get a lawyer, you don't even know how you will pay for the lawyer. You try to cope. You endure. One day at a time. You have one good day, and then you get contact and more threats. You spiral back into hell. You are diagnosed with complex PTSD. You are given medication and sedation. It's not enough.

You fight. Your friends and family finally hear the truth of it all. They rally around you, they are stunned by what you have endured in total silence. For years. They help you, but the worst fight is in your soul. The fight to stay alive from one day to the next because your oppressor’s voice is still in your head, and you cannot think straight. But you go on. You just do. And hope.

Narcissists exist merely to take those people who are happy, successful and interesting and destroy them, to feed off the misery and drama they cause until there is nothing left in that person and then they move on to the next victim.

Do not be the next victim. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder. Protect yourself. Your life depends on it.

Trust me, I know. Because I almost lost mine.

Healing Resources

Here are several fantastic resources I used to help myself heal…I am not affiliated in any way with any of these people or their resources. I just want to share what helped me in the hopes that these resources can help others, too.

Michele Lee Nieves Coaching (formerly Surviving to Thriving)

Access a ton of helpful videos and healing information for those who have been in (or are still in) relationships with narcissists. More than anything, if you have endured narcissistic abuse, you need clarity and understanding. Your compass will be spinning, this site helps you get centered again. It will help you find the you that you lost.

Conscious Uncoupling: The 5 Steps to Living Happy Even After

In just 6 power-packed weeks and under the deeply supportive, expert guidance of world-renowned licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Katherine Woodward Thomas, and her hand-picked team of Certified Conscious Uncoupling Coaches, you’ll discover how to:

• Protect yourself (and your children if you have them) from further harm – by learning to navigate your breakup with dignity, honor and respect, with or without your former partner’s cooperation.

• Wake up to your worthiness to love and be loved – even if the person you love is not loving you back in the ways you need them to.

• Come to a place of deep inner peace – by resolving your unresolved grief, resentment, guilt, shame, anger or hurt.

• Use your heartache to graduate you from any painful, recurring relational patterns – and trust in the possibilities you hold for health, happiness and well-being in love moving forward.

• Discover the one essential tool that will disappear obsessive resentment and rage – so you come to a place of true freedom and completion within your heart.

• Restore deep confidence in yourself – knowing you will never, ever again make the same mistakes.

• Awaken to the possibilities you now hold for true happiness in love – by integrating all you’ve learned and discovering authentic forgiveness for yourself and others.