Abandon those who abandon themselves.
It's not easy to unmask a narcissist, and narcissists ensure there's always an element of doubt that lies in their favour. Your doubt is money in the bank for them, the longer you give them the benefit of it, and 'wait' for proof, the worse things will be for you.
Of all the people in the world undeserving of the benefit of doubt, it is a narcissist, because they purposefully use that goodness in you to set you up for your own destruction. Don't let them have the benefit of the doubt. Doubt them for all your worth. Because as time passes, and they expertly deflect those questions asked to make sense of all the things that don't make sense, they are working hard to convert you to their narrative. To their lies. And to the ruination of your life.
They will do everything possible to avoid allowing you to get to the root of your unease. For the sake of 'peace' and not upsetting them, you will decide to remain silent as your instincts retreat, denied their voice. Soon you no longer trust what you see and hear. Soon it is easier to just let them define reality. Define what's true and what's not. This is the death blow.
If you have reached this point, you have lost your last solid chance to escape with your heart and soul still intact. If you have crossed this line, getting out is going to be hard because you have already become a part of their narrative. Their lies are in you, poisoning your blood and eroding your soul. For those of you facing this awful situation, I suggest my book The Lost Letters to help you find the strength to face the darkness planted within you, and give you the hope you so desperately deserve.
But for those of you still in the early stages of being targeted by a narcissist and feeling like something isn't quite right, but you can't put your finger on it, listen to that! It's your instincts, it's your body right at its cellular level warning you of danger. It's primal. It's trying to save you.
If you are ready to face the monster behind the mask, here's an extremely effective way to tear that mask off to see who you are really dealing with. Let me warn you, if they really are a narcissist, it's going to be ugly.
Make sure to have your shoes on, and your car/house keys and mobile phone in your pocket (or whatever, you get the idea). Keep close to an exit. Make sure you have somewhere to go in case you can't come back. Plan this out. Confronting a narcissist is like walking into a cage with an angry, abused tiger. You are going to get hurt. There will be battle scars. Prepare.
If you are truly being groomed by a narcissist for supply, they are going to be very angry when you expose their crap narrative in all its infantile glory. They will not be gracious. They will take out their rage and humiliation on you. Be strong. Record it if you can, so you can listen to it later when you are feeling weak and want to call them to 'fix things'. (You can't. Ever.)
Here's what to do. It's not difficult in principle, but in practice, it's terrifying. And if just thinking about it makes you break out in a sweat, it's very likely you already have your answer. But if you want to be really sure, here's how to get the mask off. Fast.
Question their narrative. Make every word count because they will interrupt you (and likely begin to go on a full frontal character assassination attack) as soon as they realise where things are going. But while you have the time, pull it apart. Be smart. And ruthless. But do it nicely. There is no need to be mean, because you are not them.
Here's an example: "When you said no one ever helps you and you are always facing all your problems alone, how come you didn't accept the help of your uncle when you were moving house?"
If they are a covert narcissist:
a) You will get a long-winded word salad that very quickly pivots to their being the victim and you being part of the problem for not understanding why they couldn't possibly have accepted said uncle's help. You'll be blamed for upsetting them, made to feel guilty, and punishment will follow in the form of a huge sulk, closed doors, and silent treatment for as long as it takes to bring you back into line (meaning you never question their narrative again).
or if you have an overt narcissist on your hands (think Trump) ...
b) They become immediately enraged. They shout and storm around claiming that this proves everything, how no one cares about them or understands their pain. They might break things, or behave in an intimidating manner, threatening you with clenched fists and vicious words to annihilate and discredit you. They will storm out, slam the door, and not respond to your calls for a long time. You will have to apologise to get them to talk to you again so you can gain closure. Don't bother. That was your closure. And don't answer their calls when they inevitably come back to you for more supply.
Because if you get either of these two reactions. You. Are. With. A. Narcissist.
How can you be sure?
In a normal relationship, there is communication. If you bring up something that is important to you but disagrees with their narrative, yet relates to your needing to clarify what is murky (and made murky by them) and they resort to tactics of hostility, silence, accusation, and blame, you are dealing with a narcissist.
This formula will unfold each and every time you try to bring things to a place where you wish to feel heard, understood, appreciated and valued. They will never communicate. And they definitely do not value you. They don't want to. Their narrative is imperative to their survival. Anyone who questions it will feel the full effect of their wrath.
Also important to note...
If you feel afraid to question their narrative and that things will go badly for you, you are probably with a narcissist. You should never feel afraid to ask someone an honest question that is causing you discomfort in an intimate relationship.
If you lie awake at night trying to square up the inconsistencies plaguing your mind from what you are told compared to what you have experienced, you are probably with a narcissist.
If you feel tense whenever you are around them, afraid you might set them off over the slightest thing, you are probably with a narcissist.
If you have to agree with their version of how things happened (or are) to keep the peace, no matter how skewed it is from reality, you are very likely with a narcissist.
If you feel like you are exhausted every time you have been around them, as if your energy has been siphoned out of you, you are very likely with a narcissist.
If you feel like you can't trust what your senses are telling you, if you are plagued with doubt, if you feel worthless, unloved, valueless, afraid, broke and hopeless, then you are probably with a narcissist who's about to discard you...
You are not alone. I have been exactly where you are right now. At every stage. I barely escaped with my life, and needed to go into hiding in another country to protect myself. I have written this book to help other women avoid the trap narcissists lay. To aid others and to give them hope that they too can escape and begin again, stronger, better, and more powerful than ever before.
If you want to learn more about narcissists and how they target their victims, how to spot one trying to trap you, and how to escape if you've been trapped, you are in the right place.
The Lost Letters: The Dark World of Narcissistic Abuse came out February 14, 2021. And yes, the irony is intentional.
With love and compassion,
Elizabeth Anne Carter
What Is Your Why?
Whether we realize it or not, we live out the answer to this question every single day.
It's our through line. It's what keeps us going, even through the darkest of times.
A while ago, I watched 'Collateral Beauty'. The film opens with the main character asking the following...
“What is your why?
Why did you even get out of the bed this morning?
Why did you eat what you ate?
Why did you wear what you wore?
Why did you come here? Other than the fact that I would fire you and hire someone else if you didn’t show up for work, but not that, the BIG why.
We’re certainly not here to just sell shit.
We are here to connect.
Life is about people.
Advertising is about illuminating how our products and services will improve people’s lives.
Now - how do we do that?
Love.
Time.
Death.
These three abstractions connect every single human being on earth.
Everything we covet.
Everything we fear not having.
Everything we ultimately end up buying is because at the end of the day…
We long for love.
We wish we had more time.
And we fear death.
Love. Time. Death.”
In the aftermath of a year where I was so hunted and persecuted I came desperately close to ending my life just to escape, I thought I knew my Why.
Survive. Get out of Sweden. Start again.
It seemed clear.
With hindsight I see now it wasn't.
One can escape a terrifying situation. What one cannot prepare for is the shock of changing from high gear to low gear.
And then...
A new Why must be unearthed from the ashes of a dying past.
I realized my Why had been a temporary one, born out of crisis. Of need. But under that...the truth.
The ultimate Why.
And so: Love. Time. Death.
Let us begin at Death.
Three people kept me alive during my darkest times in Sweden. I reached out to them from a place of blinding despair, where the darkness beckoned and I yearned for it. For the silence. For the end.
Each had their own enormous burdens to bear, yet they set their troubles aside to aid me through the bleakest of times, when the call of oblivion was so strong I could hear nothing else. Wanted nothing else. They leapt across the void and caught me. None of them let me fall, not even when I fought them. Or, when I damned them.
Even then.
They never let me go.
Which means my Why was not Death. I do not fear Death.
Then...
Time?
No. I pace, uneasy and tormented through the days and nights of my life. Bleak. Empty. Determined to avoid accepting my Why. Time is the enemy. Time both drags on and speeds up. It hurts me. It mocks me as it spirals behind me, a near infinite thing, laden with hopes, fears, and dreams. Memories. Lies.
No. Time is not my Why. I do not wish for more time.
I hate Time. It hates me.
Love.
Ah and there it is, the irony. After days and nights of questioning it, of walking through the forests and fields in the wind, rain and sun, at last, I have come to face the truth.
And it hurts.
My Why is Love.
I get up for Love. I face the day for Love.
It gilds my soul and frames my dreams. It breathes life into my soul.
I write of Love. I dream of Love. I am full of Love. I would die for Love.
And this is the exquisite crux of my existence. Why I must drown my heart in the blood of Malbec.
I am lost without Love...
...and yet I am afraid to Love.
And for how long will this hold?
How long?
Will Love come again.
Destroy me again.
Or.
Heal me?